


Sweet is kinda bitter sometimes

by Nika_dww



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Even though Brendon is in a relationship, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Jon Walker being supportive, M/M, Nightmares, Oblivious, Post-Break Up, Song fic, They both feel alone, Young Veins - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24461968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nika_dww/pseuds/Nika_dww
Summary: They parted ways, but their hearts thought otherwise. Brendon's faking, Ryan's denying. They want to escape, forget everything that happened, forget the band, forget Cape Town, forget each other.A year, and the mention of their names together doesn't seem to leave a bitter taste in their mouths anymore. But then Ryan starts to have nightmares, and suddenly, everything feels heavy again. Maybe they made a mistake. A huge, painful, brutal, but necessary mistake.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Sarah Orzechowski/Brendon Urie
Kudos: 6





	1. Bittersweet

The rain is pouring, making a mess of my hair. The music in my ear is pouding harder than ever, trying to block out the thoughts, but I know, they will eventually find me. I'm walking alone on the highway, only the moon's watching over me. I gather a cigarette and a match from my pocket, trying to light it, but I fail every time. It doesn't matter. I'm already far too deep. 

I caught the sight of a train in the corner of my eye. The people must be sleeping there, it's almost 3 am after all. The music suddenly stops, and I stop alongside with it. Maybe it's just a little problem with the data. Yes, it's definitely the case. I tap at the button, but the phone shuts down in the second it appears. I try to restart it, but nothing seems to work. It's over. I need to wake up.

Silence surrounds me, it suddenly feels overwhelming. I look around, but I can't recognise the place. I have no idea where I am. 

The street lights are burned out. It's dark, the sky is pitch black. The railway besides me seems empty. I think I can lie down a little. 

Just

A

Little

More

-

I see yellow, then red, then black, then suddenly nothing. A high pitched scream fills my ears, it's burning, it's painful, but it's sweet and I don't want it to stop. The railway is cold, but something makes it a little warmer. I crack open my eyes and lift my hand a little. It's red. I smile, then close my eyes again. I can't feel anything. A familiar clacking crawls inside my ear, a train, then it fades away, leaving numbness behind. I smile, but it's kinda bittersweet. A second, and the thought slips away, alongside with the sweetness. Now it's just bitter. So, so bitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to write another fanfiction! I'm planning this to be a quite long one, possibly the longest book I've ever written. I can't promise a happy ending, but I swear I'll try!  
> -  
> Have a nice day/night and stay safe! xo


	2. I'm down

Ryan woke up covered in sweat, and someone grabbing him by his shoulders. 

"Dude, you scared to shit out of me! You were, like, screaming at the top of your lungs!"

But Ryan didn't say anything. He was still shocked, how realistic the dream, more likely nightmare, seemed.

"Hey, man, are you okay?" 

Jon's voice was more concerned than annoyed by now, his eyes scanning his friend's shaking body, looking for any physical signs of hurt. 

"Yeah, no worries man. Just...a nightmare."

Ryan's voice came out far more breathy, showing his fear unintentionally, and making Jon worry more. 

"Hey, everything is okay. It's not real, it meant to scare you, okay? You should try going back to sleep, Ry. It's only 3 am. 

Ryan shrugged at the mention of the time, memories flooding his head about the train, about his own death, and about that sweet, sweet scream. 

"Yeah...sleeping..."

He felt Jon's cold hand on his shoulder. 

"Will you be fine? Do you want me to stay here?"

Ryan considered the offer, and if he's being honest, he would happily agree, but he didn't want to scare Jon more than he already did, so he just shook his head and lay back down on the mattress. 

"No...I mean, you should sleep too, I know how much you work on the songs every day. Thank you for your concern, but I'll be fine, I promise. I've had worse." Ryan's laughing, but it's a lie, it's bitter, it hurts, and he needs to look away to hide his tears. Jon hugged him, then quietly left the room, leaving Ryan and his thoughts alone. 

-

Jon couldn't sleep, not after what happened just a minute ago.

"Yeah, Spence, it's me, sorry to wake you up...No it couldn't wait until morning...No, I didn't kill anyone...Shut up, Spence, Ryan had a nightmare."

One minute, neither of them said a word.

"...No, he hasn't had one since Cape Town...no, he wouldn't want that. You know exactly how would he react if you'd tell him...Do you really think he could help?...Okay, I won't...Talk to you later Spence....Good night to you too..."

He let out a long sigh as he put down the phone, thinking about the things Spencer said. They were still friends after the breakup, kind of keeping the old group together by invisible strings, talking about music, how they're keeping up with their bands, their personal lives, and sometimes their friends too. Ryan and Brendon were on really bad terms when the breakup happened. Ryan was in his room for almost a week, and Brendon refused to stay in the same hotel as Ryan for more time than it was necessary, taking awfully long walks and eating in restaurants, sometimes he didn't even come back for days. Ryan was suffering from nightmares after Cape Town, and they lasted for weeks, until he and Jon officially left the band, leaving the two remaining members of Panic! At The Disco alone.  
Ryan didn't have a nightmare since, and the fact that it happened today, the day Brendon and Spencer finished writing the first song, Bittersweet, for their new album, was more than a little concerning. Maybe Spencer was right...but even if he was, Ryan would never agree to meet Brendon, not even if his life depended on it.  
Jon groaned in helplessness, massaging his temple. He hoped it was just a one time thing, and he was the one overreacting. But if it'll happen again...  
He shook his head. There's nothing he can do tonight other than worry, which certainly wouldn't help the case. Ryan's probably sleeping anyways...

-

Ryan was laying wide awake, memories of the previous nightmare still lingering around. He wasn't scared anymore, he wanted to know why. Why did he have a nightmare, why now, after more than a year of dreamless nights. He tried to remember the song he was listening to, but his brain seemed to threw out this piece of information. But the scream, it was very clear. That high pitched, painful, piercing voice echoed through his mind, filling him up with dangerous sweetness. His heart skipped a beat. He knew this voice. That bittersweet, calming, but oh so untruthful voice he never wished to hear again.


End file.
